Year 30: Lesson #1

So, many of you know that I turned 30 at the beginning of this year...and I had this crazy idea that maybe I should try to come up with 30 lessons I've learned in my first 30 years of life. Something different to blog about, you know?!? So here goes:

LESSON #1: I am the most selfish, imperfect person I know.

There was a time in my life, maybe around my 14th or 15th year, shortly after I'd acknowledged my need for Christ, that I thought, "You know, I'm really becoming more loving, joyful, peaceful, patience, name-a-fruit-of-the-Spirit..." I felt like I was "getting it," you know? And then I got married (at 20). AND THEN I HAD CHILDREN (at 26). And that's when the lesson hit (like a ton of bricks): I am the most selfish, imperfect person I know.

My husband is AMAZING, absolutely AMAZING, and yet there have been times in our 9+ years of marriage when I have not considered him first. My children are BEAUTIFUL, inside and out, and yet every single day (sometimes every single hour, minute?), I am impatient with them, I think, "Can I just have 10 minutes of calm and quiet so I can read my devotion in PEACE?!!? I have known myself to want what is not mine to want. I have known myself to eat/overeat simply for my "pleasure." I have known myself to grumble and complain and be discontent when my life has been nothing but BLESSED. (I could go on here, but I'll spare you...)

When I first made this "discovery" that I am indeed imperfect and selfish, it really bothered me. After all, followers of Christ are to be being conformed more and more to His likeness, aren't they? Two thoughts I've clung to as I've processed through this (over the past 3 years): 1) "My power is made perfect in weakness" (I Corinthians 12:9) For our Lord's power to be made known in the most perfect and big way, He uses my greatest weaknesses to bring glory to Himself. And somewhat similarly, 2) For confession and repentance to be an active part of my relationship Him, I HAVE to be acutely aware of my failings. It's when I become unaware of my selfishness, imperfections, weaknesses, sinful tendencies that I drift away from Him.

That said, it is my earnest prayer that He will continually be growing holiness in me, not for my sake, but for His glory and honor. But, it is also my prayer that I will never lose sight of the darkness that is inside of myself, knowing that anything and everything "good" about me comes solely from Him and should be credited to Him alone.

So, there you have it - LESSON #1! Maybe I'll pick a bit lighter topic for LESSON #2...guess you'll just have to wait and see! :)