When we were pregnant with our first little one, my greatest concerns were, "What color should we paint his/her room?" and "Which pediatrician should we see?" After Silas left my womb for heaven, and we were pregnant with our twin girls, my greatest concern was, "Will they ever draw a breath on this earth?" When we became pregnant for the third time, I didn't question as much as I pleaded. I found myself saying, "Surely, Lord, you will let this baby live! Surely you will not allow such suffering in our lives again." But, He did.
And as a result of all the pain, something good has come. We are now on a journey to our little sweet pea in Ethiopia, a journey that we might never have set out on had it not been for the little ones we've buried. And now, the questions have returned, but they sound more like this: "When all of this paperwork and waiting and more paperwork and more waiting is done, are we really and truly going to have a baby, the one chosen by God to be a part of our family forever, in our arms?" "But, what if...our FDL letter doesn't come, the courts close down for the rainy season before we pass, Ethiopia closes its doors to adoption completely, the U.S. government changes its policies on international adoption, we get a referral and then the biological family wants him/her back, we fly back to the States with our baby in our arms and we're denied entrance into the country" and on and on it goes with the "what ifs"...
A wise friend of mine has a "Word of the Year" every year, something she thinks God is calling her to work on. Her word this year is TRUST (do you know who you are yet?!?) and she made a startling discovery a week or so ago: It's not that she doubts God's goodness or sovereignty, it's that she is afraid of the potential for pain. Afraid of pain. And I'm there too, right now. Afraid that after all of these months of praying and longing and hoping and writing and mailing and fingerprinting and calling and dreaming of a little brown-skinned baby sleeping peacefully in the girls' old crib...we'll be left with only pain.
O me of little faith!
Where does the time go??
14 years ago
3 comments:
I just prayed specifically for this post. Love you friend.
Aahhh, so you aren't a rock of confidence either, huh? A wise friend told ME all we can do is take it to Him and leave it, knowing He has our best interests at heart.
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
I've been repeating it over and over and over. I kicked myself for not making more of a point to talk to you on Tuesday. You were quite helpful to me last week. Now, listen to your own advice.
You are dearly and wholly loved, Julie. He has summoned you, called you by name. YOU ARE HIS. You will survive whatever God requires of you. I pray His very best for you and your family.
Love you.
Julie, we love you and are praying for you guys on this incredible journey that does require a huge amount of TRUST indeed. Your post made me think about the sermon from church last week (1.31). It was about the Holy Spirit and pain/suffering, and the connection between the two. I really think it would be great to listen to right now...if you're interested it's online. I think you would love it. Love you sis.
Post a Comment